It has been a REALLY long time since I have sat down here. There has been lots of times that I have wanted to, but lots of things have stopped me...
- Circumstances - we moved house recently... I thought if I stopped to write it would be non-productive (pfft... it would have been therapeutic!)
- Protectionism - I was in the midst of making some big decisions about care providers and wanted to make sure that any potential caregivers I chose would have some level of protection from my big mouth! :D
- Morning sickness - I'm Up the Duff again and for the first 20 weeks I was either sleeping on the couch or had my head in a bucket! :D
First of all a recap:
In December last year we lost our Little girl, Lilly-Anne Joy. We were 20 weeks pregnant with her and I had an apparent placental abruption after her placenta attached to my C-section scar line. As if I didn't hate that thing enough and everything having it made me go through... I also lost a child to it. So it pretty much goes without saying that I was going to have some anger and bitterness to work through. But thankfully I was surrounded by love and grace when it happened and that gave me a better starting point than I could hope for.
Christmas with the family here in Perth was hard. Alot of them wouldn't acknowledge that we were even pregnant and had "lost" it let alone what we were going through. People can be REALLY dense and it seemed that alot of people's opinions outside our little bubble of family and doula, were "Well it was early, its nothing" and these same people have been shocked at their own behaviour months latter when it has been brought to their attention that we were in fact halfway through the pregnancy before we found out anything was wrong...
I joined a wonderfully supportive Facebook group of women who have all lost babies at various stages and they really schooled me in this foreign grief thing. For so long after it happened I avoided them, but they really made me open that door and look at the things before me. I saw the choices I could make in how I would handle the grieving process, and even though I let the opinions of other people dictate more to me than I should about how open I was in this process, at least I did it. I didn't shut down and bottle it up as I am sure many people would have liked me to.
I went through periods of time where it wasn't just people in my family that were silent... women in Playgroup even shunned me at different times... the excuse other people made for alot of them was that "They don't know what to say to you..." So rather than saying nothing at all, I was placed on the fringe by alot of these mothers, some who would openly turn away from me when I walked into a conversation. It was almost like I was being punished for being the mother who lost a child.
Given the circumstances surrounding HOW I lost Lilly-Anne (That it was due to having had an un-necessary C-section in the first place), many people even wanted to blot out my existence through ignorance. They didn't want to contemplate that such an awful thing as having had an un-necessary C-section could happen in the first place - but that it could cause the death of a child was just beyond their capacity to accept. So rather than saying "That is horrible, I never would have imagined that such a series of events could transpire for one person, I'm sorry it has happened to you..." it seemed like they chose to flat out not believe me and label me a liar or a deluded attention seeker.
So it just got easier to not share this stuff. People just couldn't handle my past. It was almost like I was a criminal and they didn't want to know what I had gotten up to in my past... and so I saved myself for my support group meetings and my Angel Mums group. And time went on as time has a tendency to do and God worked on me... my bitterness and anger, as well as healing me and bringing me into peace on having lost Lilly-Anne. I still don't know why it had to happen, but I got better at being ok with not getting an answer to "Why?"
The New part of the Path:
After alot of prayer and healing over the time since we lost our baby girl, God saw fit to give us another pregnancy... this time with TWINS!
The twins appear to be Dizygotic Twins (Non-identical) but we won't know until they are out. They have separate placentas and sacks. At the 20 weeks scan, it showed that their placentas had moved and were butted (Fused) up against each other and one was ontop of the other and both were transverse...
Around the 20 weeks scan, we got a letter from our local hospital (Where I was planning on taking my private midwife to have them because she has rights to be my clinical midwife there) stating that we would have to go to King Edward Memorial Hospital (KEMH) due to the lack of theatre cover for Twins VBAC. That news was the kick in the pants I needed to start thinking about actually having these babies. Up until then I had been in Laa-Laa land about what I needed to actually do to have them.
My nutrition and exercise stats were sadly lacking due to the total exhaustion I felt and the morning sickness I had in the first 20 weeks. With my Midwife's encouragement, I attempted to improve these things. I made myself stop having multiple day naps, started going out again (And getting my exercise by walking around at the shops or the zoo or wherever) and even stopped eating my beloved Maccas Chicken Deluxe Burgers... as my main food source anyways!
As a result I have energy again! I can think... my house isn't clean but it is clean-er than it was a few weeks ago! It is amazing the effect that these things have had on me...!
I haven't gone all out to try and plan everything for this birth. In the next post I'll explain what I've been doing so far, what research I've found and what programs for preparation we've decided on.
Till then, I will be chilling out to my new oils for aromatherapy and massage (I am just addicted to smells at the moment and it is having an amazing effect on chilling me out! I will be writing a post just on this a little latter!), looking for some cool beats to help me chill, and will be doing my good postures to keep this once transverse babies in a good position for the rest of the pregnancy! :D
Talk really soon! Prepare yourselves for more regular updates from me now! :D